hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
