I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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