Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
