Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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