I need to stop coming to work sober
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
i need some magic done to my vagina
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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