How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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