I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
