just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
