Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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