The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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