im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
she peed on how many people?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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