I intend to get homeless drunk
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
