More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
