So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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