i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
