Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you would pick up someone in the library
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
