: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
