Sponge bath it is.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
false alarm. still invincible.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
