You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
