I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
