you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
