If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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