Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
