I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
