Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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