Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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