i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
