I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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