I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
