I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
