I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Let's paint friendship bongs
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
