I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
