Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
