You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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