No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
