so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
