i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize