Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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