my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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