I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
