You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
