Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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