The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
