Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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