Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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