you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
