Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
