I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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