Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
BRING THE BAGELS
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
