I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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