Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
