That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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