Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
