Is it because I queefed?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think weed is turning my hair brown
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
