Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
