I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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