I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
