i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
